Whole lotta Nothing

Tomorrow is an eventful day for some people close to my heart. Thoughts are floating, day and night, like should I call, should I not...knowing full well I won't.  I am not angry at the course of events, I have known, deep down this is how it would all end up. So I am not surprised, not angry. If all are happy then I could be happy too. But I don't know if all are happy, because I am locked out. Locked out because I am nothing. Not mom, not aunt, not cousin, not pizza delivery man, and apparently not friend.  Not anything. Not even worth a phone call so I can offer my congratulations, love and support. Not even worth a reply to texts, or Facebook messages sent with words of encouragement. Not even worth returning a phone call, or being called without calling first.I am simply tolerated, like cheap fast food, everyone knows it's there, nobody really hates it, but nobody really wants it either, unless they have no other choice.
Pastor Susan has been giving sermons lately http://mountainpriest.wordpress.com/ that talk about how life isn't fair, and It's God's show anyway, it's not about us....and we just need to suck it up and deal with it... and yeah, I get it. I know it's not really about me, and I so desperately want to just drop it all and not care, I mean no one else is up all night wondering, so it is obviously MY PROBLEM!!!! So, I will do my best to smile pretty for the camera. But behind the facade held together with fragile and breaking, won't stick anymore, little bits of tape is a make believe momma trying to capture a fantasy.
So for now, I'll just say congratulations on tomorrow, my heart. I hope it is everything you want it to be. I hope that you are happy, and that some how, you will feel me thinking of you, and know that you are very, very loved.
And, whenever someone asks "what are you thinking?" and you reply "nothing," I pray, in reality, you were thinking of me.