Making it real

Ok, here's the deal. The last year has been one of extreme alterations for my family. We have seen many hardships. Things like illnesses, friends move, or friends die, to the point where it has almost become a ridiculous joke, resulting in some life changes around our house. Just when we are getting back on our feet, it seems like some new devastating thing will come and push us off the precipice. It has gotten to where the events are even getting smaller, but it doesn't take much to knock us down. I can't really explain, but it is true that things are DIFFERENT. All this drama has left my little family broken. We are all damaged, fragile and weak, each in our own little way.  I have realized that as the "mom", I am the one who is going to have to instigate the positive changes that need to be made in order for my family to heal. So, to do this I need to clean house. I don't mean wash down the walls (though that needs to be done too), but I mean more figuratively. In order for me to be able to take on the load that I am going to have to carry to heal my family, I must first unload some of what I already have. The fears, sorrows, etc. that I carry around cannot be placed on my family, they have enough, so I need a quiet place where I can put my stressors, free from judgement, free from guilt, and where I can just say what I need to say, when need to say it. I have seriously debated erasing this blog, and never typing again, but have decided I am going to use this blog for that place where I can "dump" when I need to. Now, please  understand that 95% of what will be written here will be the weird jibberish of  the daily life of a 40 something housewife. But for the other 5% there are some things that I need you, the reader, to understand.
1. I am an extremely spiritual person. Some of what may be dumped here could be very spiritual in nature. I am a very private person when it comes to my spiritual life. I make it a point to not share my spirituality with people because frankly it's none of your damn business. However, if you are going to be reading this, please note that to me spirituality and religion are 2 completely different things. I DO NOT CARE what religion you say you are. If you are LDS, Buddhist, Catholic, Episcoplian, Druid, or like to go out naked and beat a drum in the woods, I do not care. If that is where your worship leads you, then go for it. I will never tell you you are wrong to worship in the way you do, and I expect the same respect. I WILL NOT argue, or debate religion in any way shape or form. If however, you would like to discuss (as a rational person) elements of spirituality, I will be more than happy to talk with you.
2. Perception vs Intent: Recently in the news there has been a story of a kid wearing a white sheet or blanket over his head to look like the KKK, and offending a black student at his school. The sheet wearer says it was a joke, and he never INTENDED it to be offensive. The black student says he PERCEIVED it to be a threat on his heritage. Which is correct? In my view, they both are. Though it was never intended to be a threat, it was perceived as such. Same with this blog, I may get a little riled at times, and may say something that you perceive to be about you or someone you know. Please note that whatever I say, I do with the intention of clearing out some of my baggage, and in no way intend on on it hurting or damaging anyone else. There is enough pain in this world already, and I will try to tread softly and have no intention of hurting anyone. But if you perceive my words as a threat, or I damage you in someway, I am truly, truly sorry, and I would like to know about it so I can make amends.
3. This is not a contest: If you have known me for long, you will know that I am TOTALLY in awe of Natalie Norton and her awesome self. You can check out the incredibleness here: http://www.natalienortonblog.com/
Miss Natalie lives in Hawaii, has 4 children, all boys, the youngest of which recently died from Whooping Cough. I "blog stalked" her long before her son was born, and followed her through his tragic death and now her spiritual and physical renewal. She is my idol. I look at her, (she lost her son, for crying out loud!) and in the last year has managed to learn to run, increase the prosperity of her photography business, and soar to the sky. And me...well...I am stuck in a quagmire of depression and darkness that I can't find my way out of. I watch her and I see albatross wings, and I wonder why I can't soar, too. Then I read what she says, and she says you've got to find what you want out of life. You need something to shoot for, and I realize right now I don't know. I don't know what I want. I want my family to be healthy, happy. I want to feel JOY again. How to get there? I don't know yet. This is part of the journey. But I must remember this is not a contest. It is not my goal to be more happy than Natalie, or more happy than you, or more happy than anyone. It is my goal to be the most happy that I can be. ME. So I don't need to hear from you that I shouldn't feel sad, I have all these great things, I live in a great house with a great guy, and a great kid, we take great vacations, my life is great. Yes, I know how great my life is. I also know that for me it can be better. It is not a contest.

So there you have it. Making it real. More real than I want, but it needs to be done. If you are brave enough to journey with me, then welcome. I have no idea where I am going, but am willing to take one step at a time. If you would rather not listen to the crazy lady rant, then I can respect that too, thanks for stopping by.